


Peaks and Valleys

by MicroKitty1313



Category: Free!
Genre: Depression, Emotional pain, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Rin through season 1 to the beginning of season 2, Suicidal Thoughts, dealing with depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 00:26:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8034901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MicroKitty1313/pseuds/MicroKitty1313
Summary: Rin struggles through his emotions and accepts how he should deal with them.





	Peaks and Valleys

**Author's Note:**

> I paraphrased what Sousuke said to Rin. It's a mix of the original and english dub. Forgive me.

“I’m such a failure” Rin mumbles to himself, digging his fingertips into his knees. He gnashes his teeth together, grimacing at the fact that he is who he is and that’s unlikely to change. He wishes he could, longs to go back to being that kid that knew no stranger, who smiled through everything and could always see the light at the end of the tunnel.

He’s tried, tried so many times to fix himself, fix his attitude, but the storm cloud inside of him is persistent and overwhelming. Talking to a friend might help but he’s successfully pushed everyone away. He can’t reach out, everyone would pity him and see him as helpless - just a sad excuse of the person he once was. Everyone has their problems and they get over them, move past them, so why can’t he? Why is he so weak that he keeps getting stuck wallowing?

He isn’t stupid, he knows what depression is and he knows that a lot of people who deal with this don’t come out alright in the end. Having a poor mental health record will do nothing positive for his future so therapy is out of the question. Yes, sometimes those thoughts, the consuming, dark thoughts plague him but ending everything isn’t something he would ever do, right? He… he could… never… do…that…

He has a headache now, of course he does. This is routine. This always happens at night, just before he lays down. Then, once he’s snug under his comforter, his thoughts become even more oppressive. He swallows the urge to scream back down into the depths of his still-beating heart, willing himself to quit being so _weak_.

That’s what got him here in the first place. He was too weak. Couldn’t back up his own words, couldn’t stand up against swimmers better than him… Couldn’t improve. The person he is now is as good as he’s gonna get so bitching and moaning and getting others to sympathize with him will do nothing besides make him look even more pathetic.

Distancing himself from the people that were close to his past self was probably the smartest decision he’s made in YEARS. He could only imagine how fucking stupid he’d look to them if they know how low he’d sank. They would all be so disappointed.

_________________________

Seeing an old friend, _rooming_ with them, is something he never thought could have this kind of impact on him. He’s still completely mortified by how he exposed himself to Haru, crying like a child, lashing out… Luckily, Haru hasn’t brought it up and Rin is slowly starting to feel a little better these days.

He’s sure he could talk to Sousuke about everything, but he doesn’t want to have to admit how deep he’d sank into despair. That would bring up something he still doesn’t want to talk about, how he still catches himself slipping back sometimes, how his emotions get the best of him and he has to mentally scream at himself to keep his tears back.

It’s still the worst at night. The thoughts looming over him as he drifts off to sleep and creep into his mind upon waking. Really, none of his friends would understand. They might try to, especially Makoto, but explaining himself could never justify how he treated any of them. None of them deserved that. All he can do is try to make up for it by putting on a brave face, a familiar mask, and hope that it’s enough.

“Heh! Still the same ol’ Rin!”

Sousuke’s words, said with such fondness, made his chest tighten and his heart race. Maybe… Maybe the old him was still in there.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Sousuke helps him feel more like his old self but at the same time makes him want to curl into a ball and hide away from everyone because he knows it’s only a matter of time before his best friend catches on. As long as he smiles enough, as long as he laughs and throws his arrogance to the forefront of his personality… maybe it’ll be okay. He truly is beginning to to find happiness everyday, even if it’s just in a fleeting word or something that washes away after his short encounters with his former relay team, but at least it’s _something_.

It’s after Sousuke confesses to Rin about his injury, and Rin cries, that he understands that he isn’t the only one of his friends that’s been dealing with such heavy thoughts. He wants to be there for them, be a person they can turn to when they need support… But to do this, he needs to own up to his own troubles.

He needs to be that fearless little boy that he used to be and finally reveal himself.


End file.
